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horselizardI've been out of fandom headspace for a while. Probably because not that much new has been happening to keep momentum up. I realised I'd been just going through the motions, compulsively checking fannish sites for new content without feeling particularly gratified if I found anything. So about a month ago I just decided to cut down on my social media usage and focus on other stuff (which has been working out quite well).
As it happened, a couple of days after I made that decision, James deleted his Twitter account.
In that context, although I was sad about it for selfish reasons, I felt kind of hopeful that he was making an empowered decision and doing what was healthiest for him, rather than just ragequitting or cutting himself off from people (he's talked about how he hates Twitter, but is addicted to it). I was also aware that accounts can still be undeleted if you log in again within 30 days, and wondering if he was just planning to take a break and reactivate again later, rather than delete the whole thing for good. So as that 30-day limit draws closer, I've been occasionally checking to see if he's come back, and then - since I was there anyway - having a quick look through the latest tweets mentioning him, to see if his audiences were saying anything interesting.
Apparently it's not been going well recently, and specifically, one tweet quoted him saying on stage that this would be his last stand-up tour.
I might be out of full-on fandom headspace right now, but I still a) care about him, b) was looking forward to following the exciting development of his stand-up career for a while yet, and c) identify with him to an unhealthy degree. I'm kinda bummed.
Most of my previous fandoms have been for shows or performers that were already pretty much either defunct or well past their best by the time I discovered them. To actually have got in on definitely not the ground floor but at least maybe the mezzanine of fandom for an Up-and-Coming Bright Young Thing was quite the departure. Sure, at least I was lucky enough to see him a few times, and indeed, maybe he'll change his mind after he's had some time to recharge from a very long, very personal and very fraught tour. But... well, he's got so much potential.
Just finding myself typing that particular phrase has made the overidentification-sadfeels worse. God knows I will defend to the hilt the right of someone who has a lot of "potential" to follow a path that makes them happy rather than get crushed under the weight of obligation to live up to that "potential". God knows that when people talk about "potential" they often fail to take into account that "potential" only actually has a hope of being realised when all other conditions are right. God fucking knows that as an autie who is very (academically) talented but far too emotionally crippled to "make use of" that talent within real-world contexts without driving myself into the ground (result: endless cycles of failure and guilt), I GET ANGRY ABOUT THIS SHIT.
What keeps coming to mind is James' bit in Reset about, basically, being told "if you're too thin-skinned to cope with hecklers then don't get on stage!", and him thinking in response "well, maybe I shouldn't, because I am". He's good at stand-up. On a good day, it is what makes him happy - it's what he wants to do with his talents. But, oh, apparently, if you're so "oversensitive" (also don't get me, an autie, started on being called "oversensitive") that you take exception to people STOPPING YOU FROM DOING YOUR JOB while you're TRYING TO DO YOUR JOB, then perhaps you should just stop doing a job that you're good at and enjoy...!
I mean, I get it. A comedian's job is to make the audience laugh. If they fail at that job, it's culturally acceptable for the audience to attempt to get their money's worth by making their own entertainment. I get it, but as an amateur performer (acting, not stand-up, though I've dabbled in improv) who has social anxiety and difficulty taking criticism and has mostly been involved with groups that try to make performing accessible to those who find it scary, I don't like that that's the case. I question whether another way is possible, an alternative to the vicious gauntlet of shitty club nights and gong shows that would allow more "oversensitive" souls to shine; I wonder how many great talents are out there that will just never be heard because they can't hack the circuit.
But whatever; the market is oversaturated anyway, and James got through that gauntlet, and now, Christ alive, now surely he should be at the point where the fucking idiots buying tickets to his highly-oversubscribed sell-out shows are people who actually like his stuff?! Who will actually let him do his job?! There's room for all sorts! Comedy is subjective! Michael McIntyre has never made me laugh, but that doesn't mean I think he should stop doing his job; by all available metrics, he's apparently very good at it. What I wouldn't do is buy a bloody ticket for his show, yell at him when I found out he did observational comedy, and then, if my yelling ruined his gig, get on my high horse about how he shouldn't be in comedy in the first place if he can't make me laugh!
I'm just angry, naturally, that this is happening - that so many ticket-holders are realising too late that his style of stand-up isn't actually their bag, and then ruining gigs for him and everyone else - when there are so many fans who would give their dominant arm to get in to a show they know they would enjoy, and can't. I'm angry that "this is why we can't have nice things", as my partner/enabler put it. (And, as is probably clear, my anger is magnified by parallels with my own life - not being able to do jobs I'm technically "talented" enough for because of people being shitty.) Nothing to be done about it, though, I guess, is there? And let's be honest - even if we could magically swap out all the assholes who were obviously never going to enjoy the gig with adoring obsessive fans who couldn't get tickets, I'm not sure James would feel much more comfortable...
A lot of people are worried about James right now. (If you weren't one of them before you read this, you probably are now!) A lot of people want to reach out to him and help him somehow. But it's not our place; we're strangers on the internet. When you're feeling isolated (assuming isolated is even part of what he's feeling), well-meaning messages from people who don't truly understand you are unlikely to ease that feeling of isolation. We have to trust him to do what's best for himself, and trust the people who know him to support him in whatever way's appropriate.
The impulse to help and comfort is understandable; maybe try redirecting it somewhere worthwhile. If this situation is upsetting because you see too much of yourself in him, harness that compassion and focus it on yourself. Alternatively, who do you know, personally, who isn't suffering publicly, doesn't have legions of Twitter fans trying to get messages of love to them, and could maybe use a little friendship right now?
When we're culturally primed to behave like shitholes, kindness is a radical act.
As it happened, a couple of days after I made that decision, James deleted his Twitter account.
In that context, although I was sad about it for selfish reasons, I felt kind of hopeful that he was making an empowered decision and doing what was healthiest for him, rather than just ragequitting or cutting himself off from people (he's talked about how he hates Twitter, but is addicted to it). I was also aware that accounts can still be undeleted if you log in again within 30 days, and wondering if he was just planning to take a break and reactivate again later, rather than delete the whole thing for good. So as that 30-day limit draws closer, I've been occasionally checking to see if he's come back, and then - since I was there anyway - having a quick look through the latest tweets mentioning him, to see if his audiences were saying anything interesting.
Apparently it's not been going well recently, and specifically, one tweet quoted him saying on stage that this would be his last stand-up tour.
I might be out of full-on fandom headspace right now, but I still a) care about him, b) was looking forward to following the exciting development of his stand-up career for a while yet, and c) identify with him to an unhealthy degree. I'm kinda bummed.
Most of my previous fandoms have been for shows or performers that were already pretty much either defunct or well past their best by the time I discovered them. To actually have got in on definitely not the ground floor but at least maybe the mezzanine of fandom for an Up-and-Coming Bright Young Thing was quite the departure. Sure, at least I was lucky enough to see him a few times, and indeed, maybe he'll change his mind after he's had some time to recharge from a very long, very personal and very fraught tour. But... well, he's got so much potential.
Just finding myself typing that particular phrase has made the overidentification-sadfeels worse. God knows I will defend to the hilt the right of someone who has a lot of "potential" to follow a path that makes them happy rather than get crushed under the weight of obligation to live up to that "potential". God knows that when people talk about "potential" they often fail to take into account that "potential" only actually has a hope of being realised when all other conditions are right. God fucking knows that as an autie who is very (academically) talented but far too emotionally crippled to "make use of" that talent within real-world contexts without driving myself into the ground (result: endless cycles of failure and guilt), I GET ANGRY ABOUT THIS SHIT.
What keeps coming to mind is James' bit in Reset about, basically, being told "if you're too thin-skinned to cope with hecklers then don't get on stage!", and him thinking in response "well, maybe I shouldn't, because I am". He's good at stand-up. On a good day, it is what makes him happy - it's what he wants to do with his talents. But, oh, apparently, if you're so "oversensitive" (also don't get me, an autie, started on being called "oversensitive") that you take exception to people STOPPING YOU FROM DOING YOUR JOB while you're TRYING TO DO YOUR JOB, then perhaps you should just stop doing a job that you're good at and enjoy...!
I mean, I get it. A comedian's job is to make the audience laugh. If they fail at that job, it's culturally acceptable for the audience to attempt to get their money's worth by making their own entertainment. I get it, but as an amateur performer (acting, not stand-up, though I've dabbled in improv) who has social anxiety and difficulty taking criticism and has mostly been involved with groups that try to make performing accessible to those who find it scary, I don't like that that's the case. I question whether another way is possible, an alternative to the vicious gauntlet of shitty club nights and gong shows that would allow more "oversensitive" souls to shine; I wonder how many great talents are out there that will just never be heard because they can't hack the circuit.
But whatever; the market is oversaturated anyway, and James got through that gauntlet, and now, Christ alive, now surely he should be at the point where the fucking idiots buying tickets to his highly-oversubscribed sell-out shows are people who actually like his stuff?! Who will actually let him do his job?! There's room for all sorts! Comedy is subjective! Michael McIntyre has never made me laugh, but that doesn't mean I think he should stop doing his job; by all available metrics, he's apparently very good at it. What I wouldn't do is buy a bloody ticket for his show, yell at him when I found out he did observational comedy, and then, if my yelling ruined his gig, get on my high horse about how he shouldn't be in comedy in the first place if he can't make me laugh!
I'm just angry, naturally, that this is happening - that so many ticket-holders are realising too late that his style of stand-up isn't actually their bag, and then ruining gigs for him and everyone else - when there are so many fans who would give their dominant arm to get in to a show they know they would enjoy, and can't. I'm angry that "this is why we can't have nice things", as my partner/enabler put it. (And, as is probably clear, my anger is magnified by parallels with my own life - not being able to do jobs I'm technically "talented" enough for because of people being shitty.) Nothing to be done about it, though, I guess, is there? And let's be honest - even if we could magically swap out all the assholes who were obviously never going to enjoy the gig with adoring obsessive fans who couldn't get tickets, I'm not sure James would feel much more comfortable...
A lot of people are worried about James right now. (If you weren't one of them before you read this, you probably are now!) A lot of people want to reach out to him and help him somehow. But it's not our place; we're strangers on the internet. When you're feeling isolated (assuming isolated is even part of what he's feeling), well-meaning messages from people who don't truly understand you are unlikely to ease that feeling of isolation. We have to trust him to do what's best for himself, and trust the people who know him to support him in whatever way's appropriate.
The impulse to help and comfort is understandable; maybe try redirecting it somewhere worthwhile. If this situation is upsetting because you see too much of yourself in him, harness that compassion and focus it on yourself. Alternatively, who do you know, personally, who isn't suffering publicly, doesn't have legions of Twitter fans trying to get messages of love to them, and could maybe use a little friendship right now?
When we're culturally primed to behave like shitholes, kindness is a radical act.
